With the divorce rate
over 50 percent, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in
deciding who to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming a
"statistic," try to internalize these 10 insights.
#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The
golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she
is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You
actually can expect people to change after they're married... for the
worst!"
So when it comes to the other person's
spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and
personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character
keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love"
often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully
checked out this person's character?
Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?
Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure
to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice
to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this
person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my
child to turn out like him or her?
#3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and
more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish
tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs
of a woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to
feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The
husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention.
This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to
intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the intimate needs of
his wife. Intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are
goal-oriented, especially when it comes this area. As a wise woman once
pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are
experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more
experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy.
When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife
pleasure, amazing things happen.
#4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
- chemistry and compatibility
- share common interests
- share common life goal
Make sure you share the deeper level of
connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of
you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you
must figure out what you're "living for," while you're single -- and
then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you.
This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A
soul mate is a goal mate -- two people who ultimately share the same
understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities,
values and goals.
#5. You choose the wrong person because you get intimately involved too quickly.
Intimacy before the commitment of marriage can be
a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of
important issues. Physical involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a
clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions.
It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in
order to find out if a couple is physically compatible. If you do your
homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally
compatible, you don't have to worry about it. Of all the studies done on
divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as
a main reason why people divorce.
#6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?"
This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
#7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel
calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and
express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good
about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel
this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You
should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid
of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your
feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship.
Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't
feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors
are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is
always trying to change you. There's a big difference between
"controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your
benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
#8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship
must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff
is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate,
negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime,
difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a
commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that
work for both of you?
Never be afraid to let the person know what
bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can
be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be
intimate. The two go hand in hand.
#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be
unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological
and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.
If you are not happy with yourself and your life,
take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel
better, and your future spouse will thank you.
#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is
emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to
develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or
her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be
triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet,
hobbies, sports or money.
Be careful that you and your partner are free of
triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally
available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that's
no basis for a marriage.
Are you a woman who is unhappy in her marriage? If your answer is
yes, then there are a couple of wrong choices that you made in your
life by allowing yourself to marry that man!!My reason: What most women (and this is from as young as 20) are afraid of is being single. They equate being single with being alone, unhappy and missing on the “fun couples scene” hence as they grow older they crave being with a man, even if it’s the wrong man.
Once you are married to this wrong man, you are bound to be one very sad person. Problem is that this wrong man’s main focus is to take all his sad life memories on you! And he is bad and he knows it! The sad thing is that this man exudes all the signs from the word go, from the time you meet him but you are the one who chooses “to see them, yes, but be the ignoramus.”
Mr. wrong could have had a bad childhood, maybe his folks kept putting him down, maybe he was always told that he wasn’t good enough, maybe he grew up dirt poor while his friends had it all, or maybe he was just a loner… and his life continues to stink because he does nothing to change things. He is bitter with life and he just wants to take steam out on someone, someone he claims to love with all his heart hence the need to do what he does to that person (read girlfriend or future bitter-than-gall wife).
I have always believed that since we live in the 21st century and things have changed, a woman should always seek to empower herself first. Being self sufficient is the in thing if you didn’t know. Can you imagine a life where you have all the necessary resources to make you happy and you provide them for yourself?
Spot Mr. Wrong from a mile away. He is:
*That man who has decided that you don’t have a brain of your own so he makes every decision for you. He wants to dictate everything…like what you’ll eat, what you’ll wear, when you’ll answer your phone, when you’ll go to work, when you’ll come back from work, how many children you’ll have … everything that has to do with you but sadly you don’t have a say in. There you are thinking that he loves you so much and that he’s doing all this because he only wants the best for you.
*That man who is overly dependent on you and doesn’t make any effort to better his financial situation. So you will support this man’s everything… from his transport to his lunch money to money for drinks with friends. He always promises to give it back. Sometimes even with interest and you’ve never seen a coin from him and the problem is he never has any money to even buy you a gift. Sometimes when need be he steals from you and when you ask…hell breaks loose.
* That man with anger issues! He gets annoyed at everything. Even with others, just a small misunderstanding and he is already clenching his fists. And if you are not careful those fists will gladly land on you. You the woman in his life. And he knows you can’t tell anyone so you suffer in silence. When you notice that he gets angry fast it means he has no self control hence he will tend to be abusive!! You are how he releases anger.
* That man who is anti-responsibility. So he wants you to do everything! Pay all the bills and he never lifts a finger to help around. He is Mr. Arrogant himself and he has the nerve to ask why there’s no cooking gas, why dinner is late, why the electricity bill hasn’t been paid…while he can help you pay bills because after all he is the number one consumer of everything in your house! The house that you pay rent for!
*That man who puts you down. No compliments from him ever Instead he will ask you why you are wearing your hair like that…even go on about how he hates women who wear weaves when it’s very obvious that you have a weave on. He is the real self esteem destroyer.
Once you become the guy’s official girlfriend, your social life becomes non-existent. Woe unto you should you be found having a coffee with even just a colleague and worse still if it is a male colleague…he will pounce on him, then pounce on you…and then on you again when you are behind closed doors.
Most of us girls get excited by small things. So a guy treats you like trash throughout the relationship and he always makes you miserable but then one day he fishes for something in his pocket, unleashes the bling and pops the question and every wrong is forgiven and forgotten and you can’t wait to announce to the whole world that you are engaged!…(To the biggest loser who will forever drag you down!)
Unless you want to live in bondage for the rest of your life, then by all means go ahead and marry Mr. Wrong and especially for a silly reason like your Biological clock ticking and all your friends getting married. Just because you got pregnant, doesn’t mean you should marry a guy who sees you as nothing. Because you will have bound yourself to the equivalent of the devil.
Ladies,
love yourself for no one will love you as much. It is ok to be single
rather than be somebody’s doormat… Look at the bright side of
everything…Instead of considering yourself single, think of it as being
in a long standing relationship with fun and freedom.The good news is that if you haven’t married Mr. Wrong, you still have a chance to avoid him. You can avoid all that heartache and end up being the happiest married woman… on your own terms when the time comes.
When you know what a happy life is like and how it can be shared by a partner who wants to build you and help make you a better person everyday…even if you will be 50 or 90. You will simply get to choose when to be happy-and I’m assuming you’ll definitely choose happiness always).
PS: Nobody has ever died of being single but unhappiness can kill you slowly.